My boy made me super wet, licked me until I was dry, finger fucked me to keep me wet, then licked me dry again. Repeated the same routine for a while, and lets just say holy shet am I gonna sleep well tonight.
Sex. I love sex. Everything about it. From the cheeky kisses that starts it all, the grabbing of the hair, to hands slowly sliding under each other’s clothes exploring every inch of the body and noticing it slowly crawl downwards. It all goes from there. It’s the closest i’ll ever feel to another human being, physically and emotionally. I love moments right after sex as we lie in bed perfectly curled into each other in pure contentment and as his lips travels from the back of my neck to my shoulders, dropping light kisses along the way and sending shivers down my back. The whole time I wrote this all I could think about about is my boy. I adore sex. I don’t want to give it up.
It’s ridiculous now to think of how much this whole relationship has stressed me out in the last few weeks, when the key was just simply honesty. I was feeling down most of the time, I lost my appetite and interest in doing anything. I refused to believe that he was the cause of my drastic mood changes. I convinced myself to believe that I, as a person, was strong and in control of my emotions, that nothing, especially no one could mentally affect me so much. But I was wrong. Last Friday night we met up after two weeks of hardly any contact. Well, one word texts doesn’t really count as a proper communication in my books. We were cuddling in bed. We started kissing, but I wasn’t in the mood. He knew something was wrong. So I opened up to him of how i’ve been feeling for the past week, but I didn’t bring up our relationship as a cause of my emotions. He tried every single way to comfort me through lovely words straight from the heart as well as loving physical contact. But nothing worked. I was still upset. Right then I knew I just had to get it out of me. It took me about an hour until I had the guts to say what I really wanted to say to him. I buried my face in his chest as I asked “Can you see us staying together in the far future?” I have no idea why I thought it’d be a good starter question. I was nervous, but in the end it did get to the conversation I hoped for. Essentially I opened up to him of how i’ve really felt about our relationship. How I couldn’t see us being in a serious relationship, and how I think that the relationship will not last for long. I said some harsh things to the boy, but I knew it had to be said. The conversation went for almost two hours, but it had to come to a conclusion. He said "Well one thing I know is that I really want to be with you because well, I think you’re amazing and I love you. But I guess this is a mutual decision that we have to decide on and I can’t always have what I want." I tried so hard not to cry. I would’ve never guessed that this particular boy could affect me so much. After a long thought and a dreadful silence, I made the decision to stay. I told him the problems that I was unhappy with, we spoke and eventually worked around it. After that massive heart to heart, I felt amazing. I was just relieved that I finally let it out. Then we went to his place and cooked a lovely dinner together and had an extra special dessert, if you know what I mean. It is now Monday night and I guess I can’t really say whether our relationship has changed or not. So far, it has slightly in a way of communication and opening up to each other. I feel more comfortable around him physically and emotionally. I actually let him watch me get changed now! Before I was too embarrassed about my body, even though he has seen me naked, I still felt intimidated. In the end communication and honesty does go a long way. It’s not the key to a relationship but it is a major part of it. I really am glad to be finally content with life again.
I just want to lose my virginity. But I can’t. Why? Because I’m a fat worthless piece of shit. No one wants to fuck a fat person. And even if they did, I don’t think I could even handle it. If I wouldn’t fuck me how can I expect anyone else to. If I can’t stand the sight of my body, how could I expect anyone else to. Can you imagine how disgusting it would be to be fucking with your body just wobbling everywhere? That’s repulsive. And I’m sure no one else wants to fuck someone like that either. Fuck.
Tonight I am going to call him and just be honest with him and tell him everything, yet I don’t want to end things through the phone. He doesn’t deserve it, it’s not right. We could go on a break so I can have more time to think about it, well at least he’ll know that it’s coming and it wouldn’t be out of the blue. There’s not much point because right now we hardly see each other anyway. Last time I saw him was two and a half weeks ago and we hardly speak during the week when we don’t see each other. Am I still in a relationship? Because it sure doesn’t feel so. It’s just not going anywhere. I think i’ve had enough. I just want to be happy again and not be cynical about everything.